Growing up was tough for me. I experienced rejection for much of my childhood. I experienced bullying and I didn't feel loved. As a result, I developed low-self esteem, a sense of low-self worth, and quite frankly I hated myself.
As I grew into adulthood, I was able to see how those things had greatly impacted my soul/life. Just like I did when I was a child, I would people please. I'd find myself conforming to anything people wanted me to do just to fit in, have friends, and chase people's love and approval.
I thought about how this mirrored Elementary school where I thought the only way I could please my parent was to and gain recognition among people around me was to make good grades and become the smartest kid in the school.
I strived hard to make all A's in school and that's just what I accomplished. It in turn made me feel a sense of value, worth, and love. I'll never forget how I felt when I saw all of those people applauding me at graduation.
As I grew older and got into ministry, I thought that accomplishements and achievements, acalades, titles, and leadership was my source of validation. I thought that it was what God wanted the most. It wasn't long until God corrected me.
Using the ministry platform as a source of validation was abomnible to God. I had the entirely wrong motive. This was a form of using my talents and gifts to bring glory to myself instead of God. It was nothing more than a "performance".
I felt so ahamed after learning what it actually was. I asked God to cleanse my heart and that's just what he did. He renewed my mind with his word: Matthew 5:8 "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God." Although, this performance habit spawned out of my motive to feel secure within myself, it was something that needed to be corrected.
Motives are very important when it comes to anything we do in life. Having pure motives is essential to allowing God's love to flow through our hearts. My goal for anything I do should spawn from God's love. Anything we do apart from God's love is only a performance.
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